Blessings to you all,
Aaron
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| Pitka's Point |
Gabe's Testimony
Everyone
goes through doubts: about others, about themselves, and about God. We
feel doubt when our trust for others is broken or ignored. We doubt
ourselves when our guilt, shame, and fear of failures lays heavy on our
minds. These doubts can take away all the good in us, sometimes even to
the point of madness. When we are at the stage of madness we doubt
God- thinking that he has left us alone and abandoned. Sometimes we
expect him to take away all our burdens and to comfort us fully,
we expect him to always show us he is there. In times when we feel
pain and burdens and in times when we don't see God- it is easy for us
to lose faith in people, lose faith in ourselves, and lose faith in
God. Losing faith only leads us to deeper into darkness and until we
are gone from this world or saved from the clutches of evil.
I grew up in a big religious family. I went to church regularly and did my best to stay out of trouble. Although I went to church, I did not know very much about God and had very little understanding of him. I went to the Russian Orthodox church and the priests didn't read much from the Bible. and other people there didn’t teach me the whole story of him. I didn't know much about God until I went to Sitka for high school at Mt. Edgecumbe high School. I was introduced to Young Life and the amazing people there taught me a lot about Jesus. I loved the environment and continued
to learn more and more. I went home with this knowledge and did my
best to really keep the faith, even though I fell off the wagon a lot. I eventually started losing interest in being involved with God and became more interested in other distractions. This led me to my next stage of life what shattered me.
It was January 16,2009 when I got news from home that I lost my sister Matalena and friend Ronald. State troopers concluded that they drove their snowmobile straight for open water while they were intoxicated. Matalena was only 14 and Ronald was 17- just a few months younger than me. They both slipped under the ice and drowned at the same time.
I
was devastated and very heart broken, losing a big piece of my life.
My sister and I were very close, our bond was unbreakable. Her death
left me with only memories and I missed her presence. Ronald was one of
my closest friends and I'll keep him in my heart as my best friend, and
my brother. His unique personality was impressive and he was always a
gentleman.
I left Mt. Edgecumbe in the middle of my senior year to fly
home to the tragedy. I didn't know to be calm about the bad news and
decided to stay home and finish school so I could be close to my family
during our grief. My families grief only grew worse when my grandfather passed only two
months later. He was very close to me, and he taught me everything and
every value of being a man. His departure took another big chunk of
my life. The loss in our family was felt by every close relative.
There was a lot of drinking: sadness turned into madness and, and there were more and more problems. Differences colliding and bursting into arguments and fights snuffed the light of life. Overwhelmed by loss and grief, I too sunk into alcoholism and smoking marijuana
because I thought it would ease the pain. But instead of easing my
hurt, the alcohol and pot only made my attitude worse- and so my consumption
also grew worse too. Anger built inside of me as I continued to spiral
down and I felt helpless to stop. I doubted that anyone, including God,
could help. Then the calamity and darkness escalated.
My anger grew so big that I shut out the world and anyone who thought they could help. I thought that God had
hurt me so bad that I lost faith in him: angered from disappointments
and accusing him for my losses. I started doing a lot of bad things. I
started getting into fights by provoking others into violence toward
me. People started telling me that I had changed so much and they lost
interest in me. Out of selfishness and ignorance I rejected them, not
acknowledging the wrong I was doing to others or to myself. I ignored
all their words and continued my streak of pain, anger, and vengeance. I was in pain from the loss. I was angry because of the burden I had and because of the doubts others had of me. I was vengeful for the pain inflicted on me my whole life.
The
first year of my grief was bad, but the second year was even worse. My
wrong doings caused my world to be turned upside down. The people I
loved were consumed by sorrow and my nightmares grew constantly,, and
unimaginable events became reality.
My family grew more distant
from each other. My parent's pain spread to my younger siblings, to
our close relatives, and to our friends. Things went from bad to
worse. I started having nightmares about losing other loved ones. My
loved ones were being replaced by darkness and death. These bad dreams added to my list of sorrows and my attitude and depression only worsened.
In
my first dream about the supernatural, I remember a I went home to find
a worm-like creature sitting in the living room on a dark night in the
dark house. I ran out of the house only to see that the land and all
its life was burnt to ashes and suit. I saw a perfectly clean house by
the dried out river with two children playing outside. I was worried
for them and ran to them. I was curious why the land didn't bother
them. As I came near, the young boy turned to look at me and his face
was frightening and angry. I was afraid and stepped away. Demons
covered the area swarming me in numbers uncountable. I awoke drenched
in sweat and scared of what I saw. I cried wile I sat in bed for a few
minutes thinking about what happened.
Every
dream got worse like mead decaying in heat until one day I drempt of
Satan himself, which is no lie. Every story you've heard of him is true.
I was in a place, a dark place, and I was guided by two catholic
priests. Then they stopped and groaned like they were in pain at their their stomachs'. The priest started to tear and
scratch their faces, peeling skin off of them. Demons appeared and
crawled out of their flesh and came after me. I ran and ended up in a
room with the thought that I lost them. I turned to see a door with a
window unable to see through but visible enough to see a silhouette. A
figure walked in front of a light shadowing the window. When that
someone turned I saw the upper torso of a muscular man and horns the
shape of a ram- big horns. I froze and heard a rattle to my left. I
could not move a muscle, but my eyes looked down to see a pale dark
green tail moving. Then someone grabbed me from behind creaming in my
left ear. I woke up that instant grasping for air, with my heart
pounding.
Nightmares
grew more frequent along with the troubles that were tearing my family
apart. I was so angry at the world and at the one who created it. I
was getting out of control. My anger planted a seed of hate, and
feeding it with anger, it grew rapidly. To the point where I hated God
and everything about him. But, deep inside, a small voice would tell me
that I am wrong and that I needed help. Being blinded and mislead I
ignored that voice, making the distance between lost and found more
distant. From here things got even worse.
A crucifix I had always worn, all of a sudden became heavy and
irritated my skin. I took it off and didn't put it back for a long
time. Once I did, I became very vulnerable without knowing it. My hat
grew worse as if all the good I have ever known or shown people never
existed. Until
one day I had an epiphany, it struck so hard I felt sick to my
stomach. I was sitting and thinking long and hard about the hurt and my
hate and thinking about the bad things I had done, when I saw it. I
looked up towards where we keep our icons of saints and crucifixes. I
saw the biggest crucifix and all of a sudden I felt a very strong
hateful urge to flip it up-side-down and to toss all the icons. I instantly
got scared as my life flashed before my eyes. All the beautiful things
I was told, all the things of a good life, and the importance of Jesus
Christ. I then realized what was really wrong and I took the initiative
to fix everything, to better myself again. But that is when things in
my life got even worse.
I
was not the only one who was very angry with God. Some of the
strongest members in my family, including me, were consumed by darkness. Violence
and ignorance had grown between my dad and his closest brother. Their
anger escalated and they hated each other. My dad talked daily about
killing his brother and also my brother became suicidal and needed to be
watched. My nightmares became more vivid and realistic and I became an
insomniac. I couldn't sleet without having dreams of demons and harm
coming to my family. These images became worse to the point that I
could see these images during my conscious state. I started to see
unusual dark things that bothered me a lot. I began hearing voices people who weren't there. I prayed to God more often and when
I did I would get confused - like my mind was a brick wall. But I
didn't stop praying and the problems I was facing didn't stop. With
all the bad things happening and my attempts to fix them I felt a strong
feeling of hopelessness , but still I didn't give up. My life slowly
made progress even thought I felt evil tormenting me until one night it
all stopped.
I
had a dream of Satan for the second time but it was very different, I
was stronger and not so vulnerable. I was waling down the hallway of my
grandpa's house during the night. The, I heard the same rattle sound
as my first dream of Satan. Before I could freeze I turned around as
fast as I could. When I turned, I saw his whole figure and he grabbed
me by the neck and lifted me off the ground as if I was as light as a
feather. He screamed in my face and his breath felt like a hot furnace.
and it was louder than a lion's roar. Pale green skin covered his
man-like body. He had very big ram-like horns and he had long bat-like
wings stretched out. His eyes and mouth were like fire with flames
flickering and his teeth were as sharp as a great white shark. I felt
no fear knowing that God protected me from his evil. The only thing
that I could do was pray and so I recited the "Our Father" prayer that
Jesus prayed. When I finished a flash of darkness fell and I was let
go. The light came back but dimly at first. When I looked down at my
hand I saw a bottle of holy water. right then I knew what I had to do- I
had to bless the house. I looked down the hallway where I needed to
start and I saw flashes of dark shadows zipping back and forth from room
to room and I heard something laughing, as if it was a joke. I had no
fear, feeling only faith leading me, as I walked
through the darkness and I praying and blessing every inch of the house
with Holy Water. When I got close to finishing what I needed to do,
the laughter became louder, screams started and the whole house began to
shake. I continued without stalling and I raised my voice louder than
the screams. When I blessed every corner of the house the shaking and
screams stopped instantly. All of a sudden the house grew quiet and bright: as if the sun was shining through the windows. I was surprised. The door opened bringing in a priest who
was dressed in beautiful church clothes and who carried a candle in one
hand and smoking incense in the other. He walked through the house
spreading the beautiful scent. I woke up feeling that a heavy burden
had been taken away. A smile spread across my tear streaked face. That
night, when I thought my life was going to end,
I know that I overpowered evil with the help of God. I had faced all
my fears and now I have no fears of anything in this world because it is
all under God's power. He is the one who gives and takes away in
everyone's life, regardless of how they were raised. Sometimes
faithlessness can lead you to become stronger, But, above all else,
never give up life and all the good things, even when you get blinded from bad situations and evil.
Gabe R Tinker
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